I need to share this

Recently, I read an article written by a special needs mom, and I feel the need to share it.  While my son is very high functioning, he is still special needs, and I feel she’s summed up some of what I feel on a daily basis the most eloquently.  Please understand, I do not post this to make any of my friends feel guilty, but because I am not a minority and having an understanding of what we moms of special needs children go through on a daily basis would not be a bad thing.  Maybe now, when you’re out with your special needs mom you’ll be able to relate more, and you’ll be able to help her have a good time away from her child, and feel like she can open up to you more when things are really bad. 

So, here’s the article. Give it a perusal. It’s not long, but it is full of useful information.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maria-lin/special-needs-parenting_b_1314348.html

 

What do you mean real life doesn’t have a backspace key?!

There are two phrases that have become overused and are down right offensive to me.

1. “no offense”. I know I’m an offender of this one, I do it just like everyone else, because we’ve been taught that when you say something you know is unbelievably offensive, saying “no offense” makes it better and acceptable.  IT DOESN’T! I knew this before today, but an incident today has made it painfully obvious.

2. “I’m sorry”. Don’t get me wrong, a good apology–a true, honest, heartfelt apology–will never go unnoticed, but for most people “I’m sorry” has become their backspace key. Newsflash, people, real life doesn’t have a backspace key, once that “witty” comment that was rolling around in your brain makes it out your mouth, you can’t shove it back in and take it away. If it isn’t met with gaffaws and stomach holding belly laughs, but is instead met with blank stares and hurt feelings–well you screwed up. WHOOPS! Don’t apologize instantly and hollowly, when you do apologize, make sure you mean it and don’t apologize while piling blame on the person who’s hurt. Oh and don’t expect an “It’s okay”–at least not from me. Unless it is 100% honestly OKAY I won’t be saying “it’s okay” at best I’ll tell you that I accept your apology.

We teach our children to be kind and considerate, to think of other people’s feelings before they speak, to be nice to their friends, and yet adults will insult and offend each other right in front of their children and act like it’s okay.  I’m not trying to say “this is what’s wrong with our society today,” but honestly, this is terrible home training if someone can blatantly insult and offend someone else and get away with it.  And worse, the problem isn’t just the offender, it is also with the offended. We take it. We don’t stand up for ourselves anymore because we may hurt the offender’s feelings–but isn’t that what they just did?

I had a run in with someone recently, and the conversation of education–specifically special education–came up.  Now this person knew of my son’s special needs, knew about the trouble we’ve been having and yet she went on to rant about how special ed does nothing for children.  I was offended, and I made it known, and suddenly she was offended that I’d been offended by her thoughtless comment.  How is it that someone can make an offensive comment, tack on a “no offense” and then still be shocked with the person their comment is directed at gets offended?

So, I leave you with this parting thought: What are you teaching your children, and I don’t mean with your words, but with your actions?  What ever happened to treat others as you’d like to be treated? And maybe we all need to take a lesson from Thumper from the Disney movie Bambi. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

 

Decisions.

I’m thinking of homeschooling Connor. I know it will be the best for him, it will keep him challenged when he needs it and allow him to take the time he needs on things that he’s having trouble with. Where I’m caught is the commitment. Do I have the strength to commit to this?

This should be an easy question to answer. Yes. Yes I want my son to have this. Yes, I want to give this to him. And when I was six I wanted to be an astronaut and a doctor and a vet. When I was ten I wanted to be a model. At 13 I wanted to be a marine biologist. And when Connor was born I wanted to be the perfect Brady bunch Mom on the block. What am I getting at? We all have wants, and as parents we all want to be the best, most compassionate, level headed, altruistic parent who will give everything for their child. But I have a news flash for you all…

I AM NOT PERFECT!

I know my limits. I know homeschooling, if it doesn’t go well, could put me over the edge. So, do I do it?

I just don’t know.

 

What’s in a title?

I’m sitting in a room surrounded by books. Every one of them has a title. Some are snappy, some are simple, and some are themed.  Since I’ve read almost every one of these books, I understand the titles.  In the case of books, the author chose the title like a parent chooses their child’s name. 

But there are other titles in the world.  For example, I am a Mrs. because I am married, a Mother because I have a child, a Wife because I have a husband.  All of these are titles, and all of them are also my purpose in life.  But looking at them makes me realize, I don’t know who *I* am anymore.  I know my title, which is the twenty-first centry way of saying “I know my place,” but I don’t know who I am.  I can barely remember the woman I was before I received the title of mother, wife, spouse, adult.  Before that, I guess, I was “Daughter” “Girlfriend” “Fiance” “College student”.  But at that time, those titles didn’t define my life, they were just tacked on, like PhD and MD get tacked on to the end of names.  Now, though, Mother and Wife seem to be defining my life, they are not tacked on.  I seem to be tacked to them.  And not with very strong tape, I might add.

So, here I am, wondering, what is in a title?  What happens when you become the title and you forget who you were before that mantle was placed upon you?  For me, I don’t have an answer to these questions.  My best, educated guess, is that somewhere underneath these titles *I* still exist.  Perhaps I buried myself under them, assuming it would be easier to not mourn the loss of my identity if I caused the loss myself.  Perhaps I am not lost at all, I have simply misplaced myself, and maybe if I search hard enough I can find me without the titles. 

I think this is an adventure we’re all on, the searching for who we are.  And perhaps that’s what I’m realizing now.  I’m not lost, like I started this blog thinking, maybe I’m simply travelling through a foggy patch on the journey to find myself.  If that is the case, and now I am hoping it is, I think I have been coasting on this journey, under the impression that I was gone and could not be found, for far too long, and now it is time for me to take the bull by the horns.  The search begins.

 

‘Ello Lovies!

It’s been far too long.  So much has happened, and I do feel horrible for being away so long.

To start, I got a job!  *pauses for the applause*  Yeah, that’s right, I am now a full time employee, full time student, and full time mom.  Wow, three full time jobs.  No wonder I feel so darn exhausted when I finally find my bed at night.  But I love all of it and won’t trade any of it for the world.  Where do I work? What do I do? Well, I am a representative within the technical support call center for a heart monitoring diagnostic company.  (say all that five times fast, no really, i dare you, and then if you can say that, lets try this “Artirreal Cardiac Telemetry”…yeah that’s why it’s an ACT monitor…haha!)

Okay, past all of that, we need to move on to the more serious part of this post…(Dum dum dum duuuuum..)

I have a few goals I need to put down somewhere, and here seems as good a place as any, those of you who read this are my nearest and dearest and you’re always great at keeping me honest.

So, goal 1:

Work out 3 days a week and walk for 30 minutes a day every day (I want to get ready for the autism walk I am doing with a co worker as well as wanting to do the breast cancer 3 day when it comes to my area in 2011)

I want to finish the first draft of the first book in the Men of the 219th series by October 2011.  This gives me just under a year, but I set the goal on halloween weekend, and am just now getting to writing it down.

Finally, get my grades back under control.  This failing quarter has opened my eyes to the fact things need to change. I don’t know how to make them change yet, though, but knowing the need to and knowing there’s a problem is usually the hardest part of the battle, isnt’ it?

 

So, that concludes all that I have set out for myself come 2011…Comment away, let me know, are there any goals YOU are setting? Anything’s YOU are working towards?  Lets work to keep each other honest and reach our goals this year!

 

24 Hours and Counting

Yep, that’s right.  I have been awake 24 hours now.  I don’t know why I can’t seem to sleep, I only know that it’s very irritating to have my body decide it doesn’t want to sleep.  I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last though.  I’m pushing myself to make it until Mat gets home, at which point I am going to give in to my body and crash out for a few hours of a nap.  Luckily, I decided to be productive since my body didn’t want to sleep and knocked out one class worth of homework that is due today–and it was the harder class too–so when I get up from my nap I will only have the easier class to take care of.  Thankfully. 

Well, stay tuned for more sleepless ramblings….or not,I hear mat is only a few miles from the house.  I think I’m going to go warm up the bed.

Oh, so my thyroid results should be in by the beginning of this coming week.  If it’s low/out that could explain the craziness that has overtaken my body.  My whole damn body is fubar, sleep patterns are wonky, i’m gaining weight instead of losing it, my energy level is on a crazy rollercoaster where one second I’m extremely energized and two minutes later I can barely get up from wherever I’m sitting.  This will NOT bode well for a job, but I’m sure that whatever this is I can get it straightened out soon. Lets all hope it’s my thyroid, then we’ll have a reason for some of my craziness(well some of it is just me, sadly) and then we’ll be able to treat it and get back to “normal.” (haha! me…normal…bet you never thought to ever hear/read those two words in the same sentence)

 

Some days you feel like a nut….

…some days you feel like the geeky victim in a teen slasher movie….
Guess you can figure out how i’m feeling right now. I’m home w/ connor and the power is out. Its estimated to come back on in 2 hours. So for two hours my nerves are on edge. Every noise is freaking me out. I’m attempting to stay calm, but its not working– hey i said attempting, i never guaranteed success!!!
Anyway, I’ve decided, in another attempt to keep myself calm that I would write, but without light the only place i have to write is here. What this means for you, my loyal readers, is that you get a sneak peek of something to read. It will be insanely rough around the edges but its been working in my brain for a few days now and needs to come out.

“This is so nice,” Abby sighed as she snuggled against Cooper’s side.
Cooper mentally patted himself on the back as he wrapped his arm around Abby and leaned his head against hers. They were laying on a sleeping bag that Cooper had spread out in the back of his dad’s pick up.  He’d told Abby they were coming out here to watch the stars when he’d stopped the truck in the hay field not far from his parents place, but he had other ideas.
No, not those ideas, well okay, those ideas too, but they hadn’t been his first thoughts. Mostly.
Cooper shifted his other arm, the one not holding Abby, from where he’d been resting his head on it and felt his pocket. He fingered the small circle through the denim of his jeans and ran the pad of his index finger over the edge of the diamond. Would she say yes? God, he hoped so.
“How long are you home for?” Abby pulled away from his side to prop herself up and look down at him.
“That depends,” Cooper shrugged along with his answer.
“On what?”
“A lot of things.”
“Like?” Abby hadn’t even tried to hide her annoyance with Cooper. “Dammit, Cooper, stop making me pry and just tell me whats going on!”
“I can’t give you answers I don’t have, Abby,” Cooper turned on his side and propped himself up on an elbow. They were now facing each other, their noses only centimeters apart. All he’d have to do is turn his face slightly, lean forward, and touch his lips to hers and he could end all her questions. But he didn’t. This was a conversation they’d been having every day since he’d gotten home 6 days earlier. And no matter how many times he’d side tracked her, Abby kept coming back to wanting details he didn’t have to give her, or didn’t want to give her just yet.
“I know you received a letter from the Marines today.” She flopped back down on the blanket and stared at the stars blindly.
“Snooping through my mail, Ms. Raleigh?”Cooper leaned over so he was looking down at her and blocking her view of the night sky.
“Hardly, the envelope was sitting out on your desk. I saw it while I was in your room earlier. And it was open, which meant you read it. Why won’t you tell me what it says?”
He had read it. It was the letter he’d been waiting for. He’d applied to the 219th Special Operations and Recon unit hoping that they would accepting him once he graduated from Annapolis Naval Academy. The letter was their acceptance and his travel orders. In two weeks he was to report to the base in Virginia, just south of Washington DC, to begin training with the unit.
“Okay, fine, I’ll tell you what the letter said,” Cooper pushed himself up so he was sitting then scooted back to rest against the cab of the truck.
“Do you remeber me mentioning the 219th in my last email?”
“Yeah, you said you had applied to the unit.”
“The letter was their acceptance and my orders. I have to be at the base in Virginia in two weeks,” he paused when Abby gasped then slapped his chest.
“We only have two more weeks together and you are just telling me now!”
“Well, I was kind of hoping to talk you into coming with me when I left.” As he was talking, Cooper pulled the ring out of his pocket and held it up so the moon light glinted off the diamond.
“Abby, this is a huge step for me. I’m starting my life, my career. I just graduated from Annapolis, I got accepted to the unit I wanted, the only thing that could make this perfect is if I got to do all of this with you, the woman I love, by my side.”
Her right hand was covering her mouth in shock while she’d closed her left into a tight.fist and pressed it against her chest.  Cooper could see tears in her eyes as she stared first at him, and then the ring, and back again. She was taking a long time to answer him.
“Abby?” Cooper watched her face as he reached forward for her left hand. If he could pry her fist open, he was going to slip the ring onto her third finger.
“No,” She whispered and pulled her hand back away from him.
“No? But how will we know if I got the right size if you don’t let me put it on your hand?”
“No, not that. No. Cooper, no. I… I… I can’t go to Virgibia with you, I can’t marry you.”
“What? Why?” Cooper felt his heart drop and his stomach tighten. He wasn’t sure if he was going to puke or die of a heart attack first. 
“I just…. I can’t…” She continued to stare down at the ring then back up at him. “Oh, my God. I never expected you to propose.”
“Abby, I love you. Why wouldn’t I propose. Hell, I would’ve done this sooner, but the academy doesn’t allow married men in and I’m not real big on long engagements,” This was going horribly wrong. She’d said no.
“Cooper, I can’t. I love you too, but I can’t marry you. I’m sorry.”
Cooper watched as Abby stood up and walked to the end of the pick up then jumped down to the ground and began walking back toward his parent’s house where her car was parked. He couldn’t believe she’d said no. He hadn’t expected it, and now he didn’t know what to do.

 

Oh my god! I’m turning into my mother…..

Now, I’m not saying this is a bad thing, completely, but it is quite unsettling. Here’s the scenario:
My son is running through the house swinging a ruler around like a light saber one moment then sighting in bad guys like its a sniper rifle the next. Of course, being the good enough mother that I am, I allow him to pretend this ruler is a weapon–well he is a boy!– but am also shouting warnings to not break anything. And then it happened. He swung the ruler so hard he lost momentary control of his arm and he slapped himself right in the face, and I said “what did I tell you about swinging this that hard?!” And this rhetorical question was followed by the turning-into-my-mom moment…”If you keep swinging this around you are going to put an eye out!!”
Oh yeah, I said it, I told my child that he’d put an eye out. Mat was in the dining room at the time and busted out laughing at my expression, and made it clear to me that i sounded like one of our parents. My child, the smartass that he is, felt the need to point out that he would not take his eye out because he has glasses on protecting his eyes.
So, I know I’m not the only parent this has happened to…share with me your great I’m-turning-into-my-parent moments!

 

Family reunion, booyah, and the newest project

So, I’m sending this from my phone. Haha, I think I love that I can do this.
First, there was a question about booyah, and what it is. Booyah is a cross between chicken soup amd chicken stew. It is thick and hearty and absolutely wonderful. And the recipe is top secret so I can’t tell you how to make it. My dad handles the cooking of the booyah and never lets anyone see the recipe. I have seen the grocery list, but knowing the ingredients does not mean knowing how to make it.
Okay, on to the actual reunion. It was a blast! We started the day with a trip to the ER because Connor ran head first into the hitch on the boat trailer and had a huge bruise and bump on his forehead. He complained more about not getting to watch TV in the ER room than he was about his head hurting. After he was checked out and they told us he was normal and nothing vital was damaged we headed for the reunion. It was a nice day of good food, good laughs, and family. What more can a person ask for?
Finally, I have begun a new project. A close friend of mine is expecting a little girl and I am crochetting a baby blanket for her. My mom and I spent Sunday picking out the picture we wanted to use, building the pattern, and then shopping for yarn. It was a great day! I haven’t had alone time with my mom like that in such a long time. All in all, this weekend was a complete success.

The following is a picture of the pattern I created and the beginning of the blanket.

 

Thursday

This is going to be very quick. I just need to put a few feelings rolling around in the pit of my stomach out there.

So, it’s Thursday.  I have homework due Saturday, but more importantly, I have two team work projects (like always) and I just realized I haven’t done ANYTHING with the team yet.  I’m terrified to log into my school website, I’m afraid they’ll be there angry at me.  I know the more I put it off the more chance of this there is, and yet I’m having trouble.

What is it with me lately?  And my apologies that this blog has become my dumping ground for all my negativity and depression.  I am working to put some better things on here.  Hang in there with me, better days will come.

On other news, I am going to Green Bay for the Kolb Family Reunion this Saturday. That will be fun!  My dad’s making booyah, and I plan to be there with a camera to record the whole deal.  So Monday or Tuesday will be a great post with pictures, if I can figure out how to post pictures to this blog.

Have a great weekend everyone!